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Republicans say "Merry Christmas!" Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"
Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending 50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.
Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes. Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.
Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve. Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning.
When toasting the holidays, Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine. Democrats ask for a "Bud."
When not in stores, Republicans shop from a catalog. Democrats watch for "incredible TV offers" on late night television.
Democrats do much of their shopping at Target and Wal-Mart. So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.
Republican parents have no problem buying toy guns for their kids. Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to shoot each other with dolls.
Republicans spends hundreds of dollars and hours of work decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays. Democrats save their time and money, and drive around at night to look at *other* people's lights.
Democrats' favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street." Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life." Right-Wing Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "Die Hard."
Republicans always take the price tag off expensive gifts before wrapping. Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts ... and reposition them to make sure they are seen.
Democrats wear wide red ties and green sports jackets during the festive season. Republicans do too, all year round.
Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their Christmas cards. Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing it again.
Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Deck the Halls." Young Democrat's favorite Christmas carol is "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer." Republican's favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas." Young Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."
Cheapskate Republicans buy an artificial Christmas tree. Tight-fisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices. Green Democrats buy a real tree with roots, and then replant it after New Years.
Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play "Cowboys and Indians." Democrats don't either, as long as the Indians win.
Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they stopped believing in Santa Claus. Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in Santa Claus.
Democrat men like to watch football while the women fix holiday meals. On this, Republicans are in full agreement.
Q: How many republicans does it take to disarm the law abiding public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws? A: None. The Sociali--Democrats do that
Q: How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes? A: None. The democrats do that.
Q: What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had? A: A mandate to govern.
Q: How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb? A: None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.
"Are you a member of any organized political party?"
"No. I'm a Republican."
Two opposing county chairman were sharing a rare moment together. The Democratic chairman said, "I never pass up a chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a cab, I give the driver a sizable tip and say, 'Vote Democratic.'" His opponent said, "I have a better scheme, and it doesn't cost me a nickel. I don't give any tip at all. And when I leave, I also say, 'Vote Democratic.'"
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person. The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.
It has been said that the United States has the best congressmen money can buy.
Q: What is a conservative? A: A liberal who's been mugged.
Q: What's a conservative? A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.
Q: Why do liberals travel in threes? A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.
Q: What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President? A: A competent liberal President.
Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy? A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
Q: What do a Wendy's Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common? A: They were both cooked by a guy named "Dave".
Q: Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown? A: The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.
Q: Why did the Davidians commit suicide? A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.
Q: How many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round of golf? A: Depends on how many were photographed.
The major difference between death and taxes is that Congress can't make death any worse than it is.
Q: What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver? A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.
Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you? A: They get elected.
Q: If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get? A: Coffee.
Q: What were the three toughest years in Al Gore's life? A: Grade six.
Q: How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents? A: He's the stiff one.
Q: What is the basement where White House staffers work called? A: The whine cellar.
Q: How does Al Gore spell potato? A: T-A-T-E-R.
Q: How do you know when a liberal is really dead? A: His heart stops bleeding.
Q: What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress? A: No fee--If No Recovery!
Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours? A: Put Janet Reno in charge.
Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fast ball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate!" One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the bulls eye!" The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster than mine. My dad works for the government, and even though he works every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30!"
Q: How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers? A: There is writing on the White-out.
Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1? A: For spare parts.
What is the difference between the government and the Mafia? One of them is organized.
A political man to a woman, "You look beautiful today!!!!" The woman replied, "Thanks, but unfortunately I could not say the same about you."
"Sure you could!!" said the political man, "if you could lie as well as I do!"
I don't think this whole White House scandal is good for parents. I caught my six year old son David in a lie, and he said we could discuss it tonight in a "National Town Meeting."
When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was a failed experiment headed for the ash heap of history, I knew he was a demagogue. When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was an evil empire, I knew he was a dangerous kook. When that fool Reagan said that we could end the Cold War by escalating the arms race, I knew the odds favored nuclear annihilation. When the Soviet Union went broke, dissolved, and repudiated its past, I knew it was all Gorbachev's genius, and that fool Reagan had nothing to do with it. Because if that fool Reagan was right all along... ...what kind of fool am I?
Definition: Politics Poli (Poly): Many.... Tic(k)s: Blood sucking creatures
A redneck calles up the White House and tells the receptionist: "I'd like to become the next President of the United States." The receptionist: "What are you, an idiot?" Redneck: "Why, is it required?"
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?" And he replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"
Three Republicans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve Republicans here." The Republicans say, "That's OK...We don't serve you either.
Two men were stopped by a TV newswoman doing street interviews about the upcoming presidential primary election. "I'm not voting for any of the candidates," the first man said. "I don't know any of them."
"I feel the same way," the second man said. "Only I know them all."
The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news. "Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!"
"Honestly?" The politician's smiled faded. "Aw hell, ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"
One day a boy and his father were at the dining room table working on the boy's Social Studies homework, the chapter about government. The boy turns to his father and asks, "Dad, how many people work in the U.S. government?" The father replies without hesitating, "Oh, about ten percent."
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money", he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "Hey, watch it - I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
If the State of the Union is really "the best it's ever been" Why do we "need" dozens of new government programs to fix it!
Q: How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs, so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we need a Constitutional ammendment. A: Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can handle screwing one extra lightbulb.
Q: How many senators does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a quorum.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two-one to do it and one to steady the chandelier. A: None, they only screw the poor
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
Q: How many believable, competent, "just right for the job" presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb? A: It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
Q: How many MP's does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding committee to learn more about how it's done.
Q: How many Labour Party members does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They haven't got a policy on that.
Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities. A: Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from jerking. A: None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already part of the environment.
Q: How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. "Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should we not change the lightbulb, but more a question of...(blah blah waffle)"
Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two - one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets. A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out.
Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb? A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
A reporter heard Bush and one of his underlings talking in the hallway: "Mr President, how do we know for sure Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?" Pres says: "You think we're stupid boy??? We made copies of all the receipts!!"
I want to become a politician when I grow up so I've made a list of skills I want to aquire, but I've only come up with one: Lying.
A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference: "Many say the only reason why you would be elected for President is due to the enormous power and influence of your father."
"That notion is ridiculous!" mocked George Jr. "It doesn't matter how powerful the man is. He can only vote once!"
A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and a passenger. The passenger happens to be George W Bush. (Why?} Maybe, he was on his way to check on the coca plant life in South America!") The masked gunman held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place." The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the passenger's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." No one said a word, at first, then the pilot, co-pilot, and navigator all brust into laughter. "He's George W Bush!" they laughed. "He doesn't have any brains!"
The President is running down the street one day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her dog just had. He goes up to the girl and says, "Little girl, I think that it's wonderful that you're doing such a good thing." The little girl says, "Thank you, Mr. Clinton. Would you like a puppy? They're Democrats." Bill declines and jogs onward. The next day Billy jogs past the same girl and decides to talk to her again. "You know what, little girl? I think I'll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they're Democrats." The girl says, "I'm sorry Mr. Clinton, but they're not Democrats any more. They're Republican now." Bill says, "They are? How do you know? As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Democrats at first to begin with?" She says, "Well, just after they were born they were Democrats, but now their eyes are open."
A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, DC. He saw a man standing near the curb, and asked, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"
"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?"
"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But listen, I'm really in a bind so I'm going to have to trust you anyway."
An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes. The first passenger says, "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died." So he takes the first parachute and jumps. The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President". She takes one of the parachutes and jumps. The third passenger, George W. Bush, says, "I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die." So he takes a parachute and jumps. The fourth passenger, th e Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy, "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute". The boy replies "No problem your Pope-ness, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag."
A first grade teacher explained to her class that she is a liberal Democrat. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats, too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands flew up into the air. There was one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a liberal Democrat."
"Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"Why I'm a proud conservative Republican," boasts the little girl. The teacher, a little perturbed and her face slightly red, asked Lucy why she is a conservative Republican. "Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too." The teacher, now angry, loudly says, "That's no reason! What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron? What would you be then?" The teacher paused and smiled. "Then," Lucy said, "I'd be a liberal Democrat."
A small boy was asked by his teacher, "What is the size of the Democratic Party?"
"About 5 feet 2 inches," he replied promptly. "NO!" exploded the teacher.. "I mean, how MANY members does it have? How did you get 5 feet 2 inches?"
"Well," replied the boy, "my father is 6 feet tall and every night he puts his hands to his chin and says.. "I've had it up to HERE with the Democratic Party!"
Why is Congress like a cold? Because sometimes the ayes (eyes) have it and sometimes the no's (nose).
Why are Vampires Democrats? They want Gore in 2000.
At an outdoor press conference, Al Gore was addressing harsh criticism of being "lifeless as a statue."
"That is absurd," Gore stoically stated. "When elected, the people of America will see just how passionate and alive I truly am." Embarrassed for her husband, Tipper, leaned in to whisper, "Honey, you have a pigeon on your head."
Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, "What about the powerful interest that controls you?" And the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this!"
George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden are having a conversation via Al Jazeera television. Bin Laden tells George Bush, "There is no point of engaging in further war. I can see total peace in the future!" George Bush replies, "Oh yeah and tell me what you see?" Osama answers, "I can see New York, with new great buildings on one side and beautiful new buildings on the other side, and everything is peaceful and wonderful." George Bush says, "Wow is that what you see? Well I'll tell ya what I see for the future of Afghanistan... I see a house here, a house there, a small building here and small building there, but there are signs hanging in the middle of the street." Osama asks, "And what do they say?" George answers, "Hell, I don't know. I can't read Hebrew!"
A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical technology. He said, "We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work." An Englishman said, "We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks." The Irishman says, "That's nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put into another man's body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks." The American says, "Well hell, that's nothin'. We had an idiot taken out of Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin' for work!"
Once a madman said, "Do you know there is a war going on between India and Bharat? Another madman said, "Why should we worry, we live in Hindustan."
Osama bin Laden threatened Russia: If you get caught up in this war... I'll hide from you too!
QUESTION: How long does a United States Congressman serve? ANSWER: Until he gets caught.
QUESTION: Name the loser in the 1976 presidential race. ANSWER: The American people.
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?" lawyer asked. "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go," minister replied.
A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it."
"But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it."
"This is my final position, and I will not compromise!"
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: What has dual airbags and has lots of room? A: The White House.