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Good news! I've been given a goldfish for my birthday . . .the bad news is that I don't get the bowl until my next birthday!
The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep. "Excuse me for disturbing you, ma'am," he said politely, "but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I've noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread."
"Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake."
"Well, today is his birthday."
Fred: Have you noticed that your mother smells a bit funny these days? Harry: No. Why? Fred: Well, your sister told me she was giving her a bottle of toilet water for her birthday.
Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday. Harry: That was a kind thought. But why didn't you? Fred: I couldn't find one big enough for your nose.
I'd like to say something nice about you as it's your birthday. Why don't you? Because I can't think of a single thing to say!
A kindly old lady came across a little boy sitting on the pavement crying his eyes out. 'What's the matter?' she asked. 'It's my birthday!' he hollered. 'And I had a bicycle and a new tracksuit and this afternoon there's to be a party with crisps and jelly and a birthday cake and a disco afterwards. . .' and he had to stop talking because he was crying so hard. 'But that's lovely,' said the old lady. 'Why are you crying?' 'Because I'm lost!'
What did you get for your birthday? Another year!
When is your birthday? 17th January. What year? Every year!
Sam's girlfriend's birthday was the same day as his father's. He bought his girlfriend a bottle of perfume and his father a pistol. He wrapped the perfume and wrote a note to his girlfriend, saying, 'Use this all over yourself and think of me.' Unfortunately he put the note on his father's present.
Something happened to me yesterday that will never, ever, happen to me again. How can you be so sure? I was 10 years old yesterday.
How old were you on your last birthday? Eight. And how old will you be on your next birthday? Ten. Oh, I don't think that's possible. Oh, yes it is - I'm nine today.
Grandma, is it exciting being 99? It certainly is! If I wasn't 99 I'd be dead.
I forgot my brother's birthday last month. What did he say? Rick: Nothing, yet.
Will you come to my party on Saturday? Yes, please, What's the address? 25 The High Street. Just push the bell with your elbow. Why with my elbow? Well, you won't be empty-handed, will you!
I've been shopping for my wife's birthday present. What did you get her? A bottle of expensive toilet water. It cost 20. 20! Why didn't you come to my house - you could have had some of ours for free!
Dad bought Mum a bone-china tea set for her birthday. How lovely! Yes, but he only did it so as not to have to do the washing-up. Mum's too frightened he'll break it!
What's the greatest birthday present? Hard to say - but a drum takes a lot of beating.
What did the burglar give his wife for her birthday? A stole.
Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday. Betty: That was a kind thought. But why didn't you? Fred: I couldn't find one big enough for your nose.
Fred: Do you like the dictionary I bought you for your birthday? Harry: Sure. It's a great present but I just can't find the words to thank you enough.
A man who forgets his wife's birthday is certain to get something to remember her by.
BoyFriend: Why didn't you give me anything for my birthday? GirlFriend: You told me to surprise you.
A St. Louis mother telephoned the capital building over in Jefferson City and asked to speak to the game warden. After being switched from office to office, a voice finally said, "Hello."
"Are you the game warden?" she asked. "Yes."
"Finally Ah've got the right person!" she said. "Could yaw'l gimme some help with my son's birthday party?"
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
"Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade."
Joe was sitting at a bar. He was totally depressed. The bartender, serving him a drink, asked what was wrong. "I'll never understand women" said Joe. "The other night on my birthday, my wife said as my gift, I could do with her what I wanted."
"Wow! That's quite some gift" said the bartender. "So why are you so dejected?"
"Well I thought about it for a while" said Joe, "and decided to send her home to her mother, and now she won't even speak to me!"
It was Grandpa Jones' 100th birthday and he was still in perfect health. At his birthday party he was asked how he managed to live so long and stay so fit. He explained "I put my long life down to spending so much time out of doors. I've been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for the last 75th years."
"How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous fitness regime?" we asked. "It's simple" he said. "When I married my wife 75 years ago, we both made solemn pledge on our wedding night. We agreed that whenever we ever had a fight, whoever was proved wrong would go outside and take long walk."
What is your favourite type of birthday present? Another present!
What did the birthday balloon say to the pin? "Hi, Buster."
How does Moby Dick celebrate his birthday? He has a whale of a party!
Why did you hit your birthday cake with a hammer? Because you said it was pound cake!
What did one candle say to the other? "Don't birthdays burn you up?"
Why couldn't prehistoric man send birthday cards? The stamps kept falling off the rocks!
Why did Davy Crockett always wear a coonskin cap? It was a birthday present from his wife!
Where do you find a birthday present for a cat? In a cat-alogue!
"I guess I didn't get my birthday wish."
"How do you know?"
"You're still here!"
Why did the boy put candles on the toilet? He wanted to have a birthday potty!
What do you give a nine-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday? I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it!
What song should you sing to a wildebeest on his birthday? "Happy Birthday To Gnu!"
"Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake."
"Next time, take off the candles."
"Did you go shopping for my birthday present?"
"Yeah, and I found the perfect thing."
"What thing is that?"
Did you hear about the flag's birthday? It was a Happy one!
"My birthday's coming" Do you know what I need?"
"Yeah, but how do you wrap a life?"
Did you hear about the tree's birthday? It was a sappy one!
Why won't anyone eat the dogs birthday cake? Because he always slobbers out the candles!
"I'm giving a 'surprised' birthday party for you."
"A 'surprised'. birthday party? What's that?"
"That's where I invite a bunch of your friends, and if any of them come, I'll be surprised!"
Did you hear about the dancer's birthday? It was a tappy one!
How can you tell if an elephant's been to your birthday party? Look for his footprints in the ice cream.
Why did the fat monster put a candle on his tummy? He was celebrating his girthday!
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
What is an elf's favourite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
What has wings, a long tail, and wears a bow? A birthday pheasant!
"This birthday cake certainly is crunchy."
"Maybe you should spit out the plate!"
Man l: "I got my wife a VCP for her birthday" Man 2: "Don't you mean a VCR?" Man 1: "No, a VCP . . . Very Cheap Present!"
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
"Were any famous men born on your birthday?"
"No, only little babies."
For his birthday the monster asked for a heavy sweater. So they gave him a sumo wrestler!
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday? Because people kept toasting him!
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Cat: "What did you get him for his birthday?" Dog: "Pant . . . pant!" Cat: "Great . . . he needs a pair of pants!"
What do you always get on your birthday? Another year older!birt
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
Why did you buy me a pair of bunny ears? I wanted you to have a hoppy birthday!
Why does the monster act wild and crazy on his birthday? He's trying to age disgracefully!
Why was the monster standing on his head at the birthday party? He heard they were having upside-down cake!
What does a clam do on his birthday? He shellabrates!
The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep. 'Excuse me for disturbing you, ma'am,' he said politely, ' but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I've noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread!' 'That's right.' 'Every day you wallop him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were hitting him with a chocolate cake....?' 'Well, today is his birthday!'
Charley wanted to buy Farley a birthday cake, but he couldn't figure out how to get the cake in the typewriter so he could type 'Happy Birthday'
Did you hear about the time Eddy's sister tried to make a birthday cake? The candles melted in the oven.
Helen: Mum, do you know what I'm going to give you for your birthday? Mum: No, dear, what? Helen: A nice teapot. Mum: But I've got a nice teapot. Helen: No you haven't. I've just dropped it.
A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She said, "I'd love to be ten again." On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"
A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday." Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything. She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?" He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"
Home - A - Age Jokes "That's an excellent essay for someone your age," said the English teacher. "How about for someone my Mum's age, Miss?"
"Welcome to school, Simon," said the nursery school teacher to the new boy. "How old are you?"
"I'm not old," said Simon. "I'm nearly new." Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school magazine. "How old are you, ma'am?" asked Fred. "I'm not going to tell you that," she replied. "But Mr Hill the technical teacher and Mr Hill the geography teacher told me how old they were."
"Oh well," said Miss Jones. "I'm the same age as both of them." The poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote: Miss Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as the Hills. "Now remember, boys and girls," said the science teacher, "you can tell a tree's age by counting the rings in a cross section. One ring for each year." Fred went home for tea and found a chocolate roll on the table. "I'm not eating that, Mum!" she said. "It's five years old." Grandma: You've left all your crusts, Fred. When I was your age I ate every one. Fred: Do you still like crusts, Grandma? Grandma: Yes, I do. Fred: Well, you can have mine. How old is your wife? Approaching forty. From which direction? An eminent old man was being interviewed, and was asked if it was correct that he had just celebrated his ninety-ninth birthday. `That's right,' said the old man. `Ninety-nine years old, and I haven't an enemy in the world. They're all dead.' `Well, sir,' said the interviewer, `I hope very much to have the honour of interviewing you on your hundredth birthday.' The old man looked at the young man closely, and said, `I can't see why you shouldn't. You look fit and healthy to me!'
Johnny was racing around the garden on his new bicycle and called out to his mother to watch his tricks. 'Look, Mum! No hands! Look, Mum! No feet! Waaah! Look, Mum! No teeth!'
First boy: Are you having a party for your birthday?
Second boy: No, I'm having a witch do.
First boy: What's a witch do?
Second boy: She flies around on a broomstick casting spells.