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Q: Why did the rooster cross the road? A: To get to the chick across the street!
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
What do you get if you cross a nun and a chicken? A pecking order.
What's brown and white and flies all over? Thanksgiving turkey, when you carve it with a chain saw!
What is a polygon? A dead parrot!
What birds spend all their time on their knees? Birds of prey!
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak? A headbanger!
When is the best time to buy budgies? When they're going cheap!
How do you get a cut-price parrot? Plant bird seed!
Why is a sofa like a roast chicken? Because they're both full of stuffing!
What do you call a very rude bird? A mockingbird!
Where do birds meet for coffee? In a nest-cafe!
How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely? With it's sparrowchute!
What is green and pecks on trees? Woody Wood Pickle!
What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek? Fowl play!
Which bird is always out of breath? A puffin!
What's got six legs and can fly long distances? Three swallows!
Why did the owl, owl? Because the woodpecker would peck 'er!
What do you call a crate of ducks? A box of quackers!
What language do birds speak? Pigeon English!
How do you get a parrot to talk properly? Send him to polytechnic!
What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework? A firequaker!
What is a parrot's favorite game? Hide and Speak!
What do you call a Scottish parrot? A Macaw!
What do parrots eat? Polyfilla!
What do you give a sick bird? Tweetment!
What bird tastes just like butter? A stork!
What's another name for a clever duck? A wise quacker!
What do owls sing when it is raining? 'Too wet to woo'!
What flies through the jungle singing opera? The parrots of Penzance!
What kind of bird opens doors? A kiwi!
What is a duck's favorite TV show? The feather forecast!
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark? A bird that will talk you ear off!
What do you call a bird that lives underground? A mynah bird!
Where do birds invest their money? In the stork market!
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker? A bird that talks in morse code!
What happens when ducks fly upside down? They quack up!
What happened when the owl lost his voice? He didn't give a hoot!
What do you get if you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon? A bird who knocks before delivering its message!
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede? A great walkie-talkie!
What do you get if your budgie flies into the blender? Shredded Tweet!
What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish? Tweetie Pie!
What kind of birds do you usually find locked up? Jail-birds!
Why did the parrot wear a raincoat? Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated!
What is the definition of Robin? A bird who steals!
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the referee calling fowls
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn't chicken
Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross the road? Because he didn't have enough guts
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide
Why did the chicken cross the "net"? It wanted to get to the other site!
What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning? An alarm cluck!
Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
How long do chickens work? Around the cluck!
Why did the chicken end up in the soup? Because it ran out of cluck!
What do you call a crazy chicken? A cuckoo cluck!
What happened to the chicken whose feathers were all pointing the wrong way? She was tickled to death!
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a duck? A bird that lays down!
Why don't chickens like people? They beat eggs!
Why is it easy for chicks to talk? Because talk is cheep!
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder? She lays hand gren-eggs!
What happened when the chicken ate cement? She laid a sidewalk!
What did the chicken do when he saw a bucket of fried chicken? She kicked the bucket!
Why did the chicken cross the road half way? He wanted to lay it on the line!
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon? They go on peck-nics!
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy? "You scratch my beak and I'll scratch yours!"
Why did the chick disappoint his mother? He wasn't what he was cracked up to be!
Is chicken soup good for your health? Not if you're the chicken!
What do chickens serve at birthday parties? Coop-cakes!
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An eggroll!
What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg? The bombshell!
What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg? It eggs-plodes!
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road without looking both ways? Dead.
Why does a flamingo lift up one leg? Because if he lifted up both legs it would fall over!
What is the strongest bird? A crane!
What birds are found in Portugal? Portu-geese!
What is the difference between a fly and a bird? A bird can fly but a fly can't bird!
Q: Why did the chicken say, "Meow, oink, bow-wow, and moo?" A: He was studying foreign languages.
My parrot lays square eggs but can only say one word. What's that? Ouch!
Teacher: Why do we put a hyphen in a bird-cage? Pupil: For a parrot to perch on, miss.
Where do the cleverest parrots live? In the brain tree forests!
What do you get if you cross a bee with a parrot? An animal that's always telling you how busy it is!
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? The parrots eat em all (Paracetamol)
What is a parrot's favorite game? Hide and Speak!
Where do blind parrots go for treatment? The Birds Eye counter!
What profession did the parrot get into when it swallowed the clock? Politics
What's the definition of a Parapet? Pet parrot kept by parachutist!
What's the definition of Parity? Two parrots exactly the same!
What geometric figure is like a runaway parrot? A polygon .
Teacher: What's the definition of a Polygamist? Pupil: A parrot with more than one wife!
What did the parrot say when he was using the Internet? P.Cs of eight, P.Cs of eight.
What's the definition of Polystyrene? A plastic parrot!
What do you call a parrot when it has dried itself after a bath? Polly unsaturated!
What do you call the place where parrots make films? Pollywood!
What did the parrot say on Independence Day? Polly wants a firecracker!
What did the rich socialite's parrot say? Polly want a cracker, with cavier please!
What did the parrot say when he saw a duck? Polly want a quacker!
Which bird ran for President? H. Ross Parrot
Why do parrots carry umbrellas? So they don't become polly-saturated!
How can you tell if a parrot is intelligent? It speaks in Polly-syllables!
What's a parrot's favourite game? Monopoly!
What are a parrot's favourite literary characters? Mr Macawber and Pollyanna!
What's a parrot's favourite song? I love Parrots in the Springtime!
Why is politics for the birds? Because politiciands always parrot the same old lines!
Why did the bird join he air force? He wanted to be a parrot trooper!
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!
Whose parrot sits on his shoulder shouting "Pieces of four"? Short John Silver!
What is a parrot? A wordy birdy!
Why did the rooster run away? He was chicken!
What is the definition of a goose? An animal that grows down as it grows up!
What goes 'peck, bang, peck, bang, peck, bang'? A bunch of chickens in a field full of balloons!
What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange? 'Dad, dad, look what marma-laid'!
How do you stop a rooser crowing on Sunday? Eat him on Saturday!
What kind of bird lays electric eggs? A battery hen!
What do you get from a drunk chicken? Scotch eggs!
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires!
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer? A brick-layer!
Why does a rooster watch TV? For hentertainment!
What happens when geese land in a volcano? They cook their own gooses!
Why were the hens lying on their backs with their legs in the air? Because eggs were going up!
How do you make a tame duck wild? Annoy it.
What do you get if you cross an eagle with a skunk? A bird that stinks to high heaven.
What does an educated owl say? Whom.
What do confused owls say? Too-whit-to-why?
What did the baby owl's parents say when he wanted to go to a party? You're not owld enough.
What do Scottish owls sing? Owld Lang Syne.
What did the scornful owl say? Twit twoo.
Two owls were playing pool. One said, "Two hits." The other replied, "Two hits to who?"
What do you get if you cross a giant, hairy monster with a penguin? I don't know but it's a very tightfitting tuxedo.
Why did a man's pet vulture not make a sound for five years? It was stuffed.
Teacher: What's a robin? Fred: A bird that steals, ma'am.
What do you call a vulture with no beak? A head banger.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be baygulls (bagels, get it?).
Did you hear about the chicken that wanted to take ballet lessons? "He wanted to be a hentertainer."
What kind of doctor does a duck visit? A Ducktor.
Chicken to turkey: "Only Thanksgiving and Christmas??? You're lucky, with us it's any Sunday."
Why did the chicken cross the road in Missouri? To show the opossum it could be done.
How many ducks would there be, if you saw two ducks in front of two ducks, two ducks between two ducks, and two ducks behind two ducks? Answer: 4 ducks-because they are in a row.
A couple of pigeons made a date to meet on the ledge outside the tenth floor of a skyscraper. The female was there on time, but the male arrived an hour late. "Where were you? I was worried sick."
"It was such nice day, I decided to walk."
"Look at that speed!" said one hawk to another as the jet fighter plane hurtled over their heads. "Hmph!" snorted the other. "You would fly fast too if your tail was on fire!"
A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On the day of the wedding he says to the parrot "Now look here, I know you are always sat in that window sticking your beak in, when me and my new wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn round and and no matter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or I'll break your neck, do you understand?" The parrot reluctantly agrees. On returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as instructed, and behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the honeymoon. The wife however has packed too much and they can't get the case closed. "Get on top and sit on it baby!" Says the man the woman does so and grunts and moans but can't shut the case. "You get on top baby it might be better" Says the wife, so the man grunts and groans and tries his best but still cant shut the case. After a little thought the man says "Ok we'll both get on top see if that's any better!" The parrot turns round and says "Neck or no neck I have to see this!"
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, he did anything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder and ruder. Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiven ess. I will try to correct my behavior." David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"
Q: Why do hens lay eggs? A: If they dropped them, they'd break
Q: What is a crowbar? A: A place were crows go to get a drink!
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: To prove he wasn't chicken.